I was on my way to the Royal York hotel last night for yet another Christmas party, and the cab driver that was taking us definitely had a few loose screws. From the second we got in the cab, he spoke in a casual monotone manner and basically explained to us that Cab drivers are a lower form of life than the rest of the world. When we told him we were going to the Royal York, he told us that cab drivers don’t go into places like the Royal York. “You ask me about McDonalds or Burger King, and I can tell you about things like that”. He told us that cab drivers only buy things that are 99 cents, anything more expensive would cost too much for a cab driver to be able to afford. “Cab drivers don’t have homes, they sleep wherever they can, they are peasants”.
Then he told us that he buys all his clothes by the pound from second hand clothing stores, which lead to a conversation about how the clothes he’s wearing right now have faulty zippers and tears in the pants because they are second hand. Then we asked him if the tear in his pants is near his “crotch” area, because you wouldn’t want that. He told us that if there was a tear in the crotch, “it” would “pop” out, and we wouldn’t want that because it would scare people away. So my buddy asked him if it would scare people away because it was so big, and he’s like “Oh no, it’s not big, it’s small!”. Then he told us about a Mortician friend that he has and he told us a story about a dead person that died with an “erection”. His Mortician friend used duct tape to tape “it” down to his leg, because you don’t want it to “pop” up during the funeral service.
He then proceeded to turn right on a Red Light, which is legal, but he kept looking left instead of looking straight ahead, so I yelled at him to watch out, because there was a Mother and her son crossing the street. He came within a few inches from hitting the son and slammed on the brakes. This was the only time there was any silence on this entire cab ride as he reflected about how he’s getting older and not getting any smarter with his old age. This entire cab ride was only 10 minutes long, but it was a very entertaining 10 minutes.