This week’s quotes of the week come from comedian Emo Phillips. They’re even funnier when you hear Emo’s voice and the way he talks.
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.”
“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.”
“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.”
“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”